were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
