Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
