First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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