Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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