i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
