I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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