Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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