You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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