apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
