Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
