we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize