So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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