and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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