Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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