Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize