can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
