My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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