Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
