I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
