Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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