I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
