i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
