Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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