We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
