please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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