dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
