How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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