the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
