She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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