you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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