if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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