i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
