Even the bartender felt bad for me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
