I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
