I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
