Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
