Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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