i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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