Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
