I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
