God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
