Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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