when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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