Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Sorry about my life...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
