cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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