Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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