No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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