And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
