there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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