I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
