I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
