i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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