paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
