Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he shaved USA in his pubs
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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