My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
