My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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