when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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