U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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